<
This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting. --Art-- Workin on the angel gig...
Only I can give you the password! You need passwords to enter places as such. A look, a laugh, a smile, a second, passes by and I regret it. Words just aren't right, sometimes I just can't explain all the ways you devastate me, always on my mind. ♥ Some Things Never Change I'll Be Just Fine Pretending I'm Not
"I think I'm breaking out
I'm gonna leave you now.
There's nothing for me here, it's all the same
And even though I know
That everything might go
Go downhill from here, I'm not afraid
Way away, away from here I'll be
Way away, away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe
Feels to be alone and not believe anything" ---------
"Way Away" by Yellowcard
!
{WARNING} {{This is a long entry.}} {{{If you make it through, thank you.}}} {{{{If you don't, I cannot hold that against you.}}}}
{There's beauty in the breakdown.} "So how do I do normal? A smile I fake the "per-ma-nent" way, cue-cards & fix-it kits. Can't you tell? I'm not myself. I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints. I don't wanna feel anything, but I do."
So life is no different than anytime before. I don't like the way I'm living it right now. You might generally find that when I write new xanga entries or new blogs on MySpace, 9 times out of 10, they're probably sad and depressing. I assure you that this is not me 24/7. Naturally, amongst the many bad times, there are many good times. I just find that I get caught up in the good times, therefor never taking the time to write about them. What's up exactly ? I tend to use the line, "I suck at life." I use it in a humorous way, but I really think I do[suck at life] sometimes. I try to sound sarcastic with it to lighten how bad I really feel, but the truth of the matter is that all my current situations lead me to think, "What am I good for? What's my worth?" Many people might say that I'm too young, I shouldn't be thinking about these sort of things. But in a world, where since the moment you are born, you are taught to grow up and figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, how can you not think about these things[who you are, what you want, what you're good for, if you're happy, what is happy, etc...]? This entry is by no means the stereotypical "emo" post. This entry is simply for reflection and more understanding. I am not trying to be sad and depressing and, I am not looking for pity or anything of that nature. Much like my good friend, Jason, I just am trying to figure out if this is normal or if it's ok to feel what I'm going through. As much as I know that I'm not the only one who deals with these issues, I need to hear that I'm not alone. These types of things just make a person, or atleast me, feel so small in the world... and even, worthless.
"I feel like being down doesn't mean enough to anyone anymore and I guess the world has made emotion obsolete..." .Nervous.Scared.Disappointed.Upset.Frustrated.Unsatisfied.Damaged.Aggravated.Worried. .Uncomfortable.Stressed.Annoyed.Anxious.Exhausted.Intimidated.Lonely.Pessimistic.Restless. .I am all of these things and then some.
{You see, I'm kind of paranoid. My luck, it seems to have run out.}
I could tell from the minute I woke up. It was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day. Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes and try to tell myself I can't go back to bed. It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day. Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be, I just got here and I already want to leave. It's gonna be a lonely day.
School: I just am not with it anymore. I have no desire to be there, take the classes that I'm taking or do the work that I have to do. I am procrastinator, #1. Fairmont State University is a good school... no doubt about that, it's just not a good school for me. It has not had available what I have wanted to do from the start. What is it I want to do, you ask? Ok, I don't know specifically. But, I do know that FSU doesn't have it. Does that make sense? All I've wanted to do is just draw. ART. I didn't do too hot last semester and I haven't been this semester, either. My plans were to raise my grades so that I may be able to transfer to an art school or some other school of my choice (preferrably out of state). I guess all I can say about that is "No such luck!" Having 2 jobs, running cross country, and trying to manage school is just not cool. How can I carry on with school when I don't get along with it? I have no focus, I have no drive. I sincerely from the bottom of my heart just don't want to go anymore. With all of that said. I'm scared. I've never been this down about something. I'm upset with myself, because I disappoint myself. Worse- I am disappointing my parents. Work: At the beginning of this past summer, I decided to begin a 2nd job. I'm sorry, but I couldn't handle the drama at T.V.C. anymore and I could not stand getting paid minimum wage ($5.15) after working their for 2 years. My 2nd job is working for the Great American Cookie Co. @ the Morantown Mall. I started out making $5.30 there, quickly got a raise to $5.50... Work has become stressful on me and I recently decided that I was going to quit working at the mall for a while and find another job in Fairmont. I told my boss that after Thanksgiving, I was going to put in my 2 wks. notice, because I didn't want to drive to Morgantown in the winter. The man gave me a raise to $5.80, so I'm now suckered into staying. As if I'm going to quit when he gives me a raise. Grr! So, I'm still working both jobs now... sometimes, I really can't take it though! Home & Fairmont: I'm just ready to leave. I want something new. I want to move out. I want to move somewhere, anywhere but here[Fairmont]. Hawaii would be nice. I'm not really a big fan of living at home anymore. I appreciate everything that my parents do for me without hesitation and I am not ungrateful, but I'm ready to try and start taking on the world. I know that I'm not really ready to handle it all, but I'd like to try. How can I learn to live, if I'm not allowed? I've just had with more fights/arguments/misunderstandings than I can really take anymore. Parents are so contradicting. They want you to "grow up" and "act your age" yet, they don't allow it. They tell you that you're too young and don't know what you want. How am I ever going to learn if I don't go through life making my own decisions and my own mistakes? That's how you grow! Right!? For as much as I don't know what I want to do, I know a heck of a lot that I don't want to do! I just need out. Stupid "love life": Yeah, ever since the last "relationship" and all the other crap I've gone through thanks to the male species, I've been in single mode. It's something that I have needed to be in and wanted to be in. It's funny, because I can't take attention. Naturally, I like a little bit of attention. But in all honesty, I don't like when guys like me. I don't want to hurt people's feelings or I feel bad for not giving someone a chance. I go around wishing that no one liked me at all. "Out of place, like a gem on a coalface. I've been the "King of Fools" pushing everything that's good away. I've been scared to let a relationship develop with anyone, scared to let anyone get close enough to me. Scared that if I take a chance, I would get hurt again. Just over a month ago, someone had taken my interest. I've spent a lot of time with him and he's really just caught me up like I never had wanted to be again. I love everything about my time with him. I recently decided that I wanted to take the chance and be his "girlfriend." Yesterday afternoon, I wrote a blog on MySpace in regrads to that. you can find that here. "I'm going crazy." Just when I was feeling comfortable, just when I was feeling safe, just when I was letting my guard down, just when I was saying trust is here... I find out otherwise. Last night. Go figure. Now, I am so confused and upset. I don't know what to do. I like him too much to let him go. Amanda Cowger, I'd like to talk to you about something sometime soon. Anyway... I gave my heart out and now I'm running around lost. When I am without him, I'm in withdrawl. I miss him so much. "A look, a laugh, a smile, a second passes by and I regret it. Words just aren't right. Sometimes, I just can't explain all the ways you devastate me, always on my mind."
Where do I lie with things? I don't know. I'm lost. All I know is that I need away from here... Way away! I cannot stand this same old routine any longer. There is nothing for me here in Fairmont. The only way I make it through the day is thanks to my best friends and knowing that I have a reason to live the next. **shying away from the world** O l i v i a That is about as small as I feel right now. I've been beyond stressed out this past week due to finals, one more week and I'm done w/ this semester. Christmas break officially starts for me @ 10:01 AM, Friday the 16th. P.S. I turn 20 years old this Wednesday. Rebecca, too. (Duh!) Oh yeah... one more! My dad turns 50! Mhmm, Rebecca and I share a birthday with our dad.
Lovely best friends... tell me now! What can I get you for Christmas!?
Hooplah! MySpace FaceBook HomeVideos We could start again... All I want is SOLITUDE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Trust me, a new entry will occur soon(note the changes of my Look & Feel). Olivia "Stick your hand inside of my pockets.
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
Stick your heart inside of my chest.
Keep it warm here while we rest
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you." ----------- -Tegan and Sara-
"I don't want to be the one
the battles always choose
Cause inside I realize
that I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
and say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit tonight." -----
"Breaking the Habit"
- Linkin Park -
-------------- So here it is... finally an official xanga update form Olivia... because the last one obviously didn't end up getting finished & funnily ( ?word? ) enough, I am now updating at nearly 1:00 AM.
I imagine that this should be a worthy post... I plan on telling a lot of what has happened in my life lately, with some use of photos, icons, links, lyrics... etc... it certainly won't be dull- but yeah... JUST A WARNING! For those of you who don't know, I made the decision to "make my cool" with Chris a while ago. So I guess that we're "friends" now- whatever definition of friends you want to use there... recently we've done a good amount of hanging out together. The most fun time was during Backwoods Metal Fest. This took place in Rivesville & I must say... it was a blast! I got there after 9:30 every night ( Friday & Saturday- Sept. 2nd & 3rd ) and it was perfect timing really. I hung out and spoke w/ a lot of good people, a lot of fun people & I met new people, some of them quite crazy- but it could've most likely been due to drunkness. The Mayor of Rivesvill hit on me LIKE WHOA! But I won't say anything about that, in case it sounds like slander against him ( if you want to know, just ask me- it was crazy but so humorous ). Friday night, I watched Chris's band, When Everything Goes Wrong play, as well as a few others. Chris sings for this band along side of Eli Hawkins, Steve Hammond, Scott Taylor, & Nolan Merrifield. I really like their sound- no lie! I think it's really good & you should check it out! {[[ PLUG ]]} haha... Saturday night, I watched Amity ( Chet Tobry (sp?), Ezra Hall, Ryan Sheets, & Kenny West ) play. They're definitely a lot better now. The night finished w/ Chris's 2nd band, pretty well known- Breakcell ( consisting of Chris, Tyler Toothman- vocals, Scott Taylor, Ben Swiger, & Travis Hudson). That was their last show ever! They're also a great band to watch- really fun! They do a good cover of "Chop Suey" by System of a Down, but I guess you'll never know... I was in the front, right next to the stage and got slammed from behind not once, but twice by drunk moshers.. I tried to play it cool & be a trooper, but I kinda wasn't good @ holding myself up after that- so I decided to walk away. Sweetheart, Shawn came over and talked to me & tried to help me out. I camped out w/ Chris those two nights... & that is all. Here are some pictures from Metal Fest ( pictures of the guys in Breakcell [not clear] & then... yeah Breakcell--->
Chris & I, Saturday night in his tent, before we fell asleep.
Granted, hanging out & being friends with Chris is great, I think it's one of the best things because we're awesome friends... but it's also a clutch. It's holding on. It's not necessarily the best thing to do, though I wouldn't have it any other way. "I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions." So my feelings to do w/ him have been back & fourth... some of my bestest girls know what I'm talking about & how I feel. What can I say? I can't help it, blame the h<3art, if you must blame something. -------
Sarah came in for Labor Day & she brought her boyfriend, Liam with her. It was great seeing her- because it's certainly been too long & that is no good to not see one of your bestest in that long.
This lovely occurance led me to hang out w/ Megan (another bestest), as well.
Megan & yet another one of my bestest- Angela have officially & finally moved into their apt. in Morgantown. It's not too far from The District... it's cute, I helped paint the living room. =o)
Naturally, I hang out with my bestest- Ashley, all the time. We're seriously best friends like whoa- love each other like sisters- WE ARE SISTERS! Ashley, we've done a lot of eating out lately-- Mi Pueblos (which was a funny/interesting night), Wongs Wok, Dairy Cream Corner... etc, etc... anyway, I've always got your back 100% lovey. You know it! & thanks for always having mine! <3 Happy 8 mnth. Anniversary w/ Daniel, Ashley! I hope that everything works out for the best in the end! Megan Murphy comes home from basic training in San Antonio by the end of this month! I haven't talked to her all summer ( busy working everyday w/ 2 jobs & all ), so I am going to call JR soon to find out exactly when. I miss, miss, miss her!!! She was my little partner in crime... her & I together is like Ashley & I together... it's "scandalous"... haha, put any 2 of us together (maybe we should get the 3 of us together) and there is so much attention it's crazy. Arnold says it's bad- but that's bad in kind of a good way- haha
Bottom line: I miss all my girlies! Tish, Lindsey, Megan Murphy, all the lovely ladies of TVC- past & present... I miss all my bestest's... & I definitely love you all! I hung out w/ Matt Dejong this weekend... he's a cutie-forizzleeee! My first cross country meet, running for Fairmont State University was this past Saturday in Elkins @ Davis & Elkins College... !
WoW is all I have to say, this course is the epitome of a cross country course... hills out the wazoo & in the beginning of the race- like a mile long hill... running through woods, over tree roots, through creeks, fields... all sorts of lovely crap! It sucks that I'm so out of shape and this had to be the first course. I mean .. ok I'm out of shape, but my back gives me all the problems in the world... so bleh =o(... I ran like a 9 minute mile practically... let me tell ya I've ran a 6 something mile before- 9 minutes is definitely major suckage! Amanda has something wrong w/ her foot & can't run now & Christine spranged her ankle... oh joy! 2 down... =o( ... We are running in Marietta, Ohio this Saturday... hmmm should be interesting. Oh yeah! The girls got the wrong uniforms in.. so we look like flamers =o(.. oh yes- we have mid-drifts- MORE MAJOR SUCKAGE!
Christine, Jessica, Rachel, Jenna, Meghan, Amanda, me & Rebecca
Rebecca & I acting stupid in our uniforms...
-------------------------
Work is work.. I'm still doin it- both jobs! School is school.. I wish I wasn't in it! Running- I totally wish I was in better shape! Personal life- I have one, but I don't- I try to squeeze it in between everything else as best I can!
I've already went through some serious rough spots w/ family issues between the 'rents & I.... all I have to say is that "Parents just don't understand."
If there is one thing that I know I want in life- it's to be happy in what I'm doing. For me, being happy will consist of travelling & art... I am fine w/ going through 4 yrs. of school before I do that, whether school helps me or not... I am more focused this year than I was last semester-- things aren't the same, I don't want them to be. I want to find my reason to say goodbye & leave here, find my future which lies in the world all around me. Anyway, I'm sure I had more to say & more pictures to show... but this entry is done. Another time?
... Sure, why not?
OliviaFree_Falling_Angel: weblog - photos - videos - audio - pulse - profile - subscribe!
Free_Falling_Angel
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: ...you may call me, Liv
Country: United States
State: West Virginia
Metro: Fairmont
Birthday: 12/14/1985
Gender: Female
Interests:
Expertise:
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM: 
Liv2die4UAngel
Member Since:
7/14/2004
Currently Listening
Neon Ballroom
By Silverchair
Miss You Love
see relatedI'd Rather See You Bare Your Soul
Lost on the right way, it's all the same.
Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves.
Scared when you feel safe to start again."
Currently Listening
A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
By Panic! At the Disco
see related
Currently Listening
Dawn Escapes
By Falling Up
see related
Currently Listening
They're Only Chasing Safety
By UnderOath
It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door
see related
Currently Listening
Late News Breaking
By Squad Five-O
see related
):
haha...
< http-equiv="Page-Exit" content=progid:DXImageTransform.Microsoft.Iris(duration=2,irisStyle=STAR)>
